Some advice on living with and caring for a person with an eating disorder
Facing the factsI know there is a problem but my child/friend is refusing to admit it
Who-or what- is responsible for this happening to my child/friend?
Who is responsible for my child/friend's recovery?
It seems impossible to talk with my child/friend
My child/friend is doing upsetting things in our home
How can I get them to eat normally again?
How do I stay strong?
Facing the facts
It can be painful to acknowledge that someone you care about has developed problematic eating patterns, particularly if they are not admitting it themselves. If you are concerned your child or friend may have an eating disorder, find and share information about the illness, recovery and treatment resources. Gently tell the person what you are concerned about and why. Offer to help if you can. Be prepared to be met with denial or defensiveness. Be prepared to bring up your concerns quite a few times before the person starts to do something about it for themselves. Don't badger.
Back to topI know there is a problem but my child/friend is refusing to admit it
You can do your best to raise your concerns in a calm manner over time, but you cannot control how your child/friend will respond. Some people with an eating disorder will start to acknowledge a problem when their health or activities are negatively impacted, and it may help to gently bring up how the eating disorder is causing them to lose out on things they used to enjoy in life. Some people may continue to rigidly deny having a problem even when they are seriously ill, or claim not to care about the consequences because it is more important to them to persist in their extreme efforts to control their eating or weight. You may want to seek some professional advice about how best to intervene if your child/friend is refusing to address the problem.
Back to topWho-or what- is responsible for this happening to my child/friend?
A complicated range of factors lead a person to have an eating disorder. Each person with an eating disorder has experienced a unique cluster of circumstances that have resulted in disturbed eating patterns or poor body image. It is natural for parents to wonder if they could have done things differently to prevent their child from developing an eating disorder. However, it does not help for parents or friends to blame themselves. It is more useful to learn more about how best to support your child's/friend's recovery.
Back to topWho is responsible for my child/friend's recovery?
Ultimate responsibility for getting better lies with the person with the eating disorder. Family members and friends can encourage the person to get appropriate treatment. Finding the right balance between being involved and giving the person space to work things out for themselves can be a perpetual challenge for family members and friends. Honest and compassionate communication can assist in negotiating carer boundaries. A trained professional may be able to help if you get stuck with this. Research does show that the likelihood of recovery is improved if the person has supportive social relationships, so do try to stay involved even if it is difficult at times.
Back to topIt seems impossible to talk with my child/friend
A person with an eating disorder may be moody, irritable, defensive, depressed or angry. They may go to lengths to shut you out of their lives. They may place unreasonable demands on you. They may seem to want to pull you into arguments and confrontations. Try to remain patient and let the person know you are ready to talk when they are.
Back to topMy child/friend is doing upsetting things in our home
People with eating disorders may do unpleasant things that they would never have considered doing before they were ill. These behaviours may have to do with eating or purging rituals such as leaving food or sick around the house, hiding food wrappers in inappropriate places, eating other people's food, trying to control what or when other people eat and so on. These behaviours are symptoms of the illness. A person with an eating disorder loses some of their capacity for empathy, and their behaviour can seem self-centred and oblivious to the feelings and needs of others. It is important to communicate your house rules and expectations in a calm way. You can let the person know how their behaviour makes you feel so long as you do it in an assertive, non-judgemental way.
Back to topHow can I get them to eat normally again?
You cannot control the eating habits of a person with an eating disorder, and trying to do so will probably cause more problems. You can only help a person with an eating disorder change their eating behaviour if they want your support, and how this is to be done needs to be carefully negotiated. Any support you give should be a temporary measure intended to assist the person in getting back to taking full responsibility for taking care of themselves.
Back to topHow do I stay strong?
It is easy to find your life revolving around the person with an eating disorder: being preoccupied with worries about them, finding ways to cope with their behaviours and moods, trying to anticipate what might happen next and so forth. It is important for you and for the person with the eating disorder that you do not let their problems consume you. See your friends, keep up with your hobbies and look after yourself. Get some professional help for yourself if you need it. These measures will help you cope, and you will be a good role model for the person with the eating disorder.
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